The Other War On Women
Birth control. Binders. Bodies. Babies.
As last fall’s presidential election came to a head, the phrase “war on women” became commonplace, part of the traditional vitriolic mud-slinging that both sides used against the other. As a woman, and one who places a high value on the freedoms of women, I of course followed the back-and-forth debates with interest, nausea, or amsuement, depending on what I was hearing.
But during that same period, I found myself spending a lot of time thinking about a different “war on women”—the war of woman against woman, the war that we wage on each other, no men required.
At the beginning of my pregnancy last summer, I was talking to a pair of newlywed friends about my quest for the best pregnancy books.
“I don’t want to read anything that is going to make me panic about what could be wrong with my baby, or feel guilty about the pregnancy and parenting choices I make,” I told them.
The husband wrinkled his brow in confusion. “What do you mean, feel guilty?” he asked. “Why would parenting books make you feel guilty?”
I had to laugh at his response. It hadn’t taken me long after seeing that positive pregnancy test to come to understand just how incredibly saturated with guilt the world of pregnancy and parenting really is. Pregnancy books, websites, and forums are filled with dramatic stories about the harm you could potentially do to your unborn baby through seemingly innocuous things including (but not limited to!) nutrition, exercise (or lack thereof), medication, and even hot baths. Champions of epidurals or unmedicated childbirth regularly spar over the various merits of their preferred method, often making it seem like your child’s entire future life could hinge on whether or not you had a medicated labor and delivery.
And things only get more heated when you get into the world of parenting, with all its various methodologies and ideologies and conflicting advice. Breast or bottle? Crib or co-sleeping? Baby swing or babywearing?
Parenting isn’t the only arena in which women seem to spend an awful lot of time attacking each other, of course—it’s just the one I’ve been immersed in the most as I’ve prepared to welcome this new little one into the world. I’ve also seen women go to bat over things as big as career choices and hiring help, and things as insignificant as dyeing their hair or wearing makeup.
And let’s not even get started on the pressure we put on each other when it comes to what a woman should look like.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m as guilty as anyone else. I have on far too many occasions found myself judging another woman’s lifestyle choices, or fashion, or hair, or parenting, or career path. I’ve cringed on seeing wardrobe choices I don’t agree with and raised my eyebrows at life paths that seem less-than-ideal according to my worldview.
But still, I can’t help thinking:
What would the world be like if we women didn’t spend quite so much time and energy waging war on each other?
My resolution for this year is to give myself more grace—to stop holding myself to impossible standards, to have a little compassion for the times when I inevitably fall short (and then do so again, and again, and again). I’m vowing in 2013 to be a little kinder and gentler on myself, accept my own weaknesses and allow myself a little more love.
And all of this, this thinking about new year’s resolutions and about the war among women, has me thinking also: What if we all could do this, just a little, for each other? What if we could allow each other just a little more grace, a little more love, a little more acceptance? What if we could let go of our own lifestyles and convictions just long enough to recognize that, regardless of whether we feed our children by breast or bottle, we are all worthy of love?
It might just be a powerful change, indeed.
Do you ever find yourself at war with other women?
Feb 05, 2013 @ 10:20:19
I love this idea–giving yourself (and others) grace is such a simple idea, yet so hard when we’re constantly bombarded with images of perfection–on others’ blogs, in magazines, on TV etc. Your experience with guilt and pregnancy/parenting also made me think of the finale of 30 Rock when Liz Lemon goes on GothamMoms.com to ask about where to buy a bike and all of the crazies come out of the woodwork to yell at her. I haven’t laughed like that at something on TV for a really long time. Just stay out of the forums, and you’ll be just fine. xo
Feb 05, 2013 @ 12:59:08
Thanks, Miya! I agree – the images of perfection definitely make it so much harder, especially in the internal war we wage against ourselves. (At least, that’s how it works for me!) Forums are definitely the worst, but I’m always shocked by how condemning some books can be, too! Luckily, I have a pretty strong sense of my own parenting style and am quite comfortable in it. But it still can get my ire up when I see people passionately proclaiming that there is only ONE right way to do things. ;)
Feb 05, 2013 @ 12:07:10
If you are still looking for recommendations, I loved “How To Have Your Second Child First” which features sound advice from parents who’ve been through it all, and have more than one child. No guilting here, but lots of good, solid advice from people who’ve been there.
I think one of the things we forget about parenting is that it’s so fleeting, and in the end, your child will be who they are, regardless of your efforts to mold them into something different. My two-year-old is sweet-tempered and easygoing, but she’s still given to occasional temper tantrums, especially when she’s tired. She is a two-year-old with all the good and bad it entails.
Feb 05, 2013 @ 13:02:14
Kim, thanks for the recommendation! I’ll have to look that up… I’m ALWAYS up for a good recommendation.
And I agree wholeheartedly with your second point. I actually helped raise my much-younger triplet siblings, so while I’m sure parenting my own children will have its own surprises and minefields to cross, I do have quite a bit of experience with little ones and am pretty secure in my own philosophies and methods. One of which is the fact that in the end, it’s actually pretty hard to ruin your kid. ;) Regardless of how you feed them, whether or not you let them cry-it-out, and what after-school activities they’re enrolled in… most kids really do turn out to be good people. And they absolutely do have their own governing personalities. My mother always called the triplets her “in-home lab experiment,” because it was so clear from the very beginning that they were each very different, and despite being raised exactly the same way by exactly the same people at exactly the same time – they’ve turned out to be very different people, with their own strengths & weaknesses.
Feb 05, 2013 @ 15:16:36
This is an especially timely post because in a forum I frequent a poster said some nasty and cutting things about moms who formula feed. She has no idea what goes into each individual mother’s choice on what and how to feed her child. The reality is it is none of her business to judge people so hardly because no one made her the queen of the world who got to decide what reason was a good enough reason to “give up” nursing and formula feed. Judging others for what the do or do not do only ends up harming us.
Feb 05, 2013 @ 16:36:41
Anonymous – amen! It’s always hard when people attack without knowing the full situation. I am hoping to do some breastfeeding, but plan to supplement with formula from the beginning. Because of my serious health problems, I know that trying to exclusively breastfeed would be pretty tough on me and baby, and not overall the best thing. Like anything… you just have to go with your own intuition! I always struggle with people who lash out with such vitriol like that, though.
Feb 05, 2013 @ 20:10:56
I love that last sentiment–judging others only ends up harming us. So true, and so important especially in mothering.
Feb 05, 2013 @ 22:09:30
I love this, Cindy. Reminds me of a quote that made me giggle: “If women ruled the world, there would be no war, just a lot of jealous countries not talking to each other.” I long for the day when women feel secure enough among their own sex.
Feb 05, 2013 @ 22:14:14
Have you gotten any of the, “Oh, just you wait!” comments? Those proved to be the most disturbing during my pregnancy. I’d make a comment when I was getting further into my pregnancy about being uncomfortable, or not sleeping nights, and half a dozen women would JUMP on it with their “doom-is-on-the-way” prattle. I made my own vow to never say such cynical things to anyone, ever.
Feb 05, 2013 @ 22:49:11
Okay, that quote made me laugh heartily out loud. ;) I love it!
And yeah – I’m not a fan of those comments either. However, they were worse during my years of infertility. There’s nothing like being desperate for a baby more than anything else and unable to have one, and somebody saying, “You just wait until you have a newborn and are never getting sleep!” ….etc., etc., etc. Personally, despite the fact that I’ve had a number of difficult complications here and there, I’ve loved pregnancy and found it to be an absolutely magical experience… those “You just wait”-ers can just keep their advice! ;)