Looking Forward.
Ask me my age, and ninety-nine percent of the time, I’ll hesitate before answering. This isn’t because I’m embarrassed to admit the number (I’m twenty-six); rather, it’s because I actually have to think about it to make sure I’m getting it right. My age at heart and my age in reality are two completely different things. I may be twenty-six. I feel eighteen.
According to my parents, this feeling never really goes away. That’s not such a bad thing, I suppose – what’s wrong, after all, with being young at heart? Still, it’s jarring to think I’ve been out of college for five years; that I have to worry about things like health insurance; that people often mistake me as the mother of the children I babysit; that I’ve finally reached the age at which I always thought I’d get married.
Sometimes I look at my friends–most are in long-term relationships and hold steady, full-time jobs–and feel light years behind. Everyone else, it seems, knows what she wants and where she’s headed. They have plans. I have none.
But I also have very little to complain about. I’m a freelance writer, which means I create my own schedule. I live in the city of my dreams. I have wonderful friends and family. I keep a blog. In a recent post, I wrote about feeling “directionless but not purposeless.” It’s true, as a freelancer and as a single girl in a big city, I often do feel a bit lost. I don’t know where I’m headed, and I honestly haven’t a clue what’s next for me.
But here’s the thing. I’ve learned that being lost doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’m happy. I’m having fun. And I’m pushing myself to keep trying new things (I recently started a series on my blog chronicling my adventures). How could I possibly be wasting time?
Having a plan might mean feeling more secure, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t sound appealing on some level. On the other hand, not having one–despite the pitfalls–is deliciously, unimaginably thrilling. Anything is possible. The future’s wide open. It’s the ultimate adventure. And I’m looking forward to sharing bits and pieces of it here with you on the Equals Project.
See you next week!
May 09, 2012 @ 13:21:44
This is so good & well-written! I think most of us feel the same way. Long-term relationships & steady, full-time jobs can be misleading- we’re lost too, just in a different forest :) Behind? You are actually light years ahead! No mid-life crisis for you ;) Being lost to find or chase dreams is so courageous & yet grossly under appreciated. Can’t wait to hear more about it in future posts!
May 10, 2012 @ 01:56:47
Aw, Linda, thank you so much! These are such reassuring words – your comment really brightened my day!
May 09, 2012 @ 19:00:23
I think living life is a full time job~ Whatever you do during that time is just logistics!
May 10, 2012 @ 01:54:36
So true, Henry. That’s such a great way of looking at things!
May 10, 2012 @ 12:58:13
Shoko, one of the best things I’ve stumbled upon this year is this quote from one of John Steinbeck’s letters: “If it is right, it happens—The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.” Your words here remind me of that quote in the best possible way.
I am on a similar journey, and the honesty of your words and experience really resonate with me. I’ll admit that I was both tearing up and smiling while reading your column! I think that everyone feels a little lost in their lives–plan or no plan–and this is a very good and humbling thing. In any case, I feel very inspired by you to be patient, to lean into the discomfort of the unknown, enjoy the journey, and continue to live life whole-heartedly.
Looking forward to reading your future posts here and on your blog!
May 10, 2012 @ 15:53:23
Kathy, I love that quote – thank you for sharing it! And I’m so glad you could relate to the post. That makes having written it more than worth it. I love your phrase “lean into the discomfort” – that is a perfect way to describe what so many of us who feel a little bit lost are trying our best to do :) Anyway, thank you so much for your sweet words. I’m so happy to have you as a reader!
May 10, 2012 @ 15:19:49
I think our twenties are universally unsettling. Everyone thinks everyone else has it figured out, and yet most of us were (are) feeling really insecure about at least one aspect of life. I really admire your distinction between directionless and purposeless, and respect your embracing the directionlessness. Can’t wait to see more in the coming weeks.
May 10, 2012 @ 15:54:28
Thanks, Miya! Can’t wait to write more!
May 10, 2012 @ 20:51:26
Two of my favorite quotes came to mind as I read this:
Tolkien: “Not all those who wander are lost.”
And this Gertrude Stein quote, which is part of my email signature: “When you get there, there isn’t any there there.”
The Stein quote grounds me — I can plan all I want, but I know that reaching a destination simply brings about a(nother) beginning.
Looking forward to following your posts here!
May 11, 2012 @ 02:36:42
Thank you, Cheri! I loved your post, too, and can’t wait to read more. And I love the quotes you mentioned – that Gertrude Stein one is just brilliant. It reminds me of how I feel about adulthood in general – I’ve arrived, and it’s nothing like what I expected!
May 11, 2012 @ 07:01:39
Shoko, what a beautiful article! I loved reading your thoughts – I feel so very similar. I’m six years older than you, but continue to feel 18. I agree that part of that feeling probably has to do with the fact that I’m just beginning to find my path, while most of my friends have settled in their careers and started families. I’ve enjoyed your blog so much and am looking forward to seeing additional work of yours here – your writing is lively and beautiful – an absolute joy to read!
May 13, 2012 @ 18:02:45
Lisa, thank you! You are so sweet. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from sharing my experience, it’s that there are a lot of us in the same boat. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing things at your own pace. As long as you’re happy – that’s the most important thing!
May 16, 2012 @ 06:21:51
great post
May 17, 2012 @ 00:08:28
All of us are lost – be that good or bad.
I met a woman for lunch a few weeks ago. In my eyes, she had it all: a professional that allowed her to travel across the world to research on substantial issues, a cush job back in Australia, a baby, a partner. I asked her how she did all this because, honestly, as women (I cannot speak from the vantage point of a man), we have to juggle it all. How did she get so lucky?
Her answer to me, after confessing that she felt she was in absolutely no place to dish out advice: “Pace yourself.”
Life is a series of cycles. We are up; we are down. Repeat.
How do we weather it out? She told me that, early on in her life, she understood and defined what it was to have a “meaningful” life. For her, it wasn’t a six figure salary at a law firm; it wasn’t the thrill of working x-amount of hours and arguing with opposing counsel. She carved her life one step at a time, doing things that she loved and this life brought her to Berlin to Malaysia and back to Australia.
I prefer your way of living life, of being open to possibilities . . . defining life in such rigid terms can be really crippling.
May 17, 2012 @ 22:50:11
Jocy, that’s such a great story, and such a valuable reminder – thank you for sharing it!
May 17, 2012 @ 02:21:26
Here’s my friend/ biased commentary: Who’s to say that this isn’t the plan? I think that you are a glorious, reflective risk taker; you live an envious life in ways that as a working stiff I can’t attain and I love that I can vicariously live through you and support you through your journey as you support me in mine. There’s a relativity to dreams and making change in one’s life that depends on the heart and passion. What you are doing with your life and the choices you make seems very “you” to me. It’s easy to feel aimless or under pressure against criteria that doesn’t apply to your experience! I see so many of the people I grew up with having babies and getting married and I think, “Whoa that should be me too? I feel the pressure.” Then I remind myself that’s not my path. Wherever you go, I’ll follow friend. Looking forward to your new endeavor in the writing world.
May 17, 2012 @ 22:33:45
Hauna, you are amazing. Thank you for this. I’m beyond lucky to have you as a friend!