Looking Forward: Me, Myself, and I.
This sweet video, which I stumbled upon this weekend thanks to Kristina, made me think: how much time, on average, do I spend alone per day? Per week? Per month?
I’m single, twenty-six, and a freelancer who works from home. These three things add up to a lot—a lot—of alone time. And in general, I’m fine with this. Being alone means having the freedom to daydream, read magazines in bed on Sunday mornings, write by lamplight til three AM, sing along to embarrassing music that anyone in their right mind would turn off if they were there. But, they’re not.
I do, of course, have friends. But I’ve found I’ve reached an unsettling—and somewhat surreal—time in my life when everyone I know seems to have a partner. (I can count on one hand the number of close friends who are not involved in serious, long-term relationships.) Dwelling on this sometimes makes my alone-ness feel more significant than it is. But, like I said, I’m comfortable with it—most of the time.
I get the feeling that being on my own, much like many other aspects of getting older, is something I’ll get better at with time. Right now, I’m perfectly happy to shop alone, cook alone, watch movies alone, jog alone (how anyone can run and hold a conversation at the same time is beyond me anyway). But there are certain activities I’m not sure I’d be brave enough to attempt solo just yet: going to dinner at a nice restaurant, for example. Or spending a weekend away. I love the idea of these things, but I know I’d feel self-conscious—and maybe a little lonely—if it actually came to doing them.
How do you feel about spending time alone? Do you love it? Hate it? Wish you could do it more often? Let’s discuss!
Video by Andrea Dorfman and Tanya Davis.
Jul 17, 2012 @ 15:25:14
Hi Shoko,
Thanks for the shout-out! When I saw that video it hit a dormant chord deep in me because I realized I have never been truly “alone.”. There was a point when I was single that I chose not to date anyone for a year. It was a conscious effort to find who I was as a person without someone else to define me. But even at that point, I hid myself in the company of friends and family. There were days that I spent alone certainly- but not without some “alone armor” (i.e. books to read in public, cellphone to message people). While there were some days that I took myself to art exhibits and treat myself to a nice lunch out- they were a precious few and still quite guarded. What I loved most about this video is that the author celebrates alone-ness, I have never taken myself out to dressed up dinner at a fancy restaurant, or go to a club and dance alone.
Now that I’m married, with a step-daughter and a baby on the way- I realize I may never really be “alone” anymore. And while I won’t trade my life for anything else, I do miss times of solitude. Enjoy this moment now, Shoko- it goes away too quickly. :)
Jul 29, 2012 @ 20:29:33
Thank you, Kristina – that’s a wonderful point. I definitely want to enjoy this moment while it’s here!
Jul 18, 2012 @ 03:15:54
Hi Shoko,
This is a conversation I had been having recently with single girlfriends of mine of late. I am early 40s and have spent the last 7 years with my great love, now my fiance, but before that I was single for much of my adult life. I dated toads, founds some were less toad and more frog (and have therefore remained friends and in my life) but generally I was a single gal and I loved it. But there were times when always being the single girl at any party (I was living for much of this time in a very small expat community in a small African town) and always going home to an empty house on my own would make me sad, well not always sad…but melancholy I suppose.
Being alone for long periods still remain truly extraordinary times of my life. I travelled, I did incredible things, I crashed and burned a few times, but always kept going and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. And the man I am with now, who I finally found, was so worth waiting for. I know I wasn’t ready to meet him until I did and our timing was perfect. We now both walk our road together, in parallel lines and I think that is what makes it work for me; that we are not totally on top of each other, we both have our space and our time apart, although I find we do tend to seek each others company more than we do others, not necessarily such a bad thing as we are so good together, always so much to talk about. But I have the balance, the alone-time which I also crave and that balance seems to work really well.
I wouldn’t have had the timing any other way :)
Cheers
Eliza
Jul 29, 2012 @ 20:56:41
I love that, Eliza. Thank you for sharing.
Jul 18, 2012 @ 09:10:23
i’m writing you from our little lake spot in wisconsin.. i arrived here a few days before my fiance to have some much needed and very precious alone time. i really value dear friends and community but in choosing my partner and our life, i made a commitment to put my self-care first (health, creativity, etc).. and the result? with self-love and space to explore my own edges in travel, at home on my yoga mat, or in little town here in wisconsin all by my self, i become a better partner, a better friend, etc.. alone time is so powerful – thanks for sharing!
Jul 29, 2012 @ 20:55:42
That’s so wonderful! Thank YOU for sharing that – that’s really inspiring.
Jul 18, 2012 @ 10:10:28
Mmm I totally feel you on this. I work in a crazy studio all day–and I love it!–but when I have time to myself, I get a little unsure how to spend it. I crave being alone, but once it happens…well, what then? There’s something so classy about taking yourself out to a nice dinner, but I always wonder if I’d have the guts to actually be able to sit there alone, enjoying the food and the atmosphere without bringing a book (ha!) or texting a friend or trying to make it look like I was waiting on someone. It takes a certain confidence to be alone–especially alone in public–and I find that I am also getting better at this as I get older because I’m just becoming more confident in myself in general.
Really good post, Shoko :)
Jul 29, 2012 @ 20:54:55
I know what you mean! I’m not sure I have that confidence, either. A book or my iPhone make me feel so much safer – could I really sit alone at a restaurant and just BE? I don’t know… :)
Jul 18, 2012 @ 10:23:45
I travel alone for work a few times a month, so I have gotten used to dining alone. I used to stay in my hotel room and order room service, but then I realized that I wasn’t experiencing the places I visited, so now I venture out and eat alone. Sometimes I take a book, sometimes I just sit and observe, but I always enjoy my quiet time. I love seeing movies alone, too. In a life full of kids, work, and business, I really value that solitary time.
Jul 18, 2012 @ 11:05:48
Such an interesting topic. I work from home as well, so I spend 40+hrs a week alone. But then my husband comes home, and I wouldn’t trade that part of the day for anything. Regardless of my marital status, I think being alone is an important skill to learn. One of the things that I find eternally frustrating are girls who always have to be ‘with’ someone. Especially in a romantic sense. I just want to shake them and say- Don’t you realize you’re enough?!
I married my husband soon after college, so I never really got to experience living by myself. I went from living with roommates to renting an apartment with my best friends, to living with my boyfriend to married. Sometimes I wonder what I might have missed out on. I certainly wouldn’t change my life, I love it. But its one of those ‘I wonder what that would have been like’ things.
I have in the past gone to restaurants and movies alone. Normally at a restaurant I take a book, but that’s truly more because I love to read than coping/covering.
Great piece of writing Shoko! Its clearly inspiring some conversation!
Jul 18, 2012 @ 12:00:44
Shoko,
What an inspiring film to get me through this week. I loved it. I, too, spend ample time alone and by some strange fault, find myself questioning my life because of it. I question whether or not I have anything going for me because I write and read my days away. I love it though. I am an only child, and with that comes the need for space. I wish more people could, as she says in the video ignore your cell phone, and just be. What a lovely post, as always!
xoxo, hm
Jul 18, 2012 @ 12:16:06
I love being alone … I always have … but you’re right .. when it comes to events that really require two people, it’s really hard to get myself to do it “alone” especially nice restaurants that have special dinners for two .. and you’re solo. I guess as I got older, and wanted to start a family .. I couldn’t stand being alone anymore … I was with my now wife all the time .. and now that we are married and have a lil one .. I wish for mere hours alone .. LoL ..
Jul 18, 2012 @ 13:25:35
Shoko, reading your description of some of the advantages of being solo makes me long for the time when I lived alone! I love my partner and am so glad to have him in my life, but we both are definitely lovers of alone time and I in particular need much of it. Although I’ve been trying to reach out to others more, I’ve also been trying to weave more complete ME time into my schedule (especially during the summers, when my partner – who is a teacher – is at home). Essentially though, I could go days without seeing anyone and would be fine. Here are some activities I enjoy doing alone: clothes shopping (I must be alone for that one), going to the movie theater (I don’t do it solo often enough, but when I do it’s such a liberating feeling!), exploring cities and cultural events, going to coffeeshops to read and work… Activities I feel too self-conscious about doing alone: going to a night club (one of my former roommates would always go alone and I admired her for that!), eating at a nice restaurant, going to a bar. What I’d like to do more of alone: travel! I have never gone on a real trip on my own and would love to make that an annual tradition (even if it’s for a quick weekend trip). How fun would it be to travel completely on your own terms!
I’m such a fan of your contributions here on The Equals Record and love the thoughts you share on various topics, always! xoxo
Jul 18, 2012 @ 14:37:12
When I started reading this, I thought it was about me! A single, 26 year old freelancer. All of my good friends are married, engaged and in long term relationships. I spend a lot of time alone and I really do enjoy it. I suppose I’ve always been a bit of a loner and a mega introvert. I was in a relationship for 8 years (14-22) and after these few years single, I think I’ve finally hit my stride. I decided to celebrate the fact that I can be comfortable on my own by going on a trip (to another country) for a week all alone last year. It felt freeing not having to compromise on what to do or where to eat, and I made some great friends along the way. I feel more of myself now than I ever have and I think that’s a pretty good place to be to welcome anything the future may bring. I guess I’m trying to enjoy this time as much as I can now, before I find someone, start a family, etc. I don’t want to regret not having tried.
Great piece!
Jul 29, 2012 @ 20:57:39
We have so much in common, Julie. It sounds like you’re doing great – a trip by yourself is so brave!
Jul 18, 2012 @ 15:37:57
I love traveling alone, and relish the opportunity (both while abroad and in my home city) to dine alone. There’s something about being able to focus on what you’re experiencing, rather than feeling the pressure of experiencing it with someone: savoring your spaghetti alfredo rather than keeping up conversation with the person across from you, silently taking in thousands of year old churches, feeling the weight of that history, rather than your friend’s hand tugging at your arm, telling you its time to go. Even in our alone time, we’re often not truly alone. We have our phones, our earbuds, our Words with Friends games. I think that letting yourself hear yourself for hours is a truly amazing thing.
Jul 18, 2012 @ 17:27:43
Hello Shoko!
To me the hardest part of being alone it’s having no one to..talk! And it’s funny cause when I’m alone I feel I need to talk! Then I talk to myself and maybe people thinks I’m a crazy girl, but it’s fine…
:)
Jul 29, 2012 @ 20:52:36
Haha! That’s awesome, Natalia. I love that!
Jul 18, 2012 @ 21:47:09
when the line between just being and just writing blurs,
well, that’s awesome. much love,
Jul 19, 2012 @ 00:57:00
I used to think that I loved being alone, but since I became single for the first time in my adult life five months ago, I’ve come to realize that I have no idea what that means without the safety net of a relationship. I’ve made the conscious decision to not date anyone for the next year, and – like you – am at a point in my life where friends who are married, engaged, or in significant relationships outnumber single friends. I’m re-learning what it means and feels like to be alone and I think it does take some getting used to, but I’ve found that it’s also a state of mind, and I love how your words and this video captures that.
When I came back from Thailand (a part of which I did travel alone) in May and was riding high on my I-can-do-anything wave, I decided to take myself out to a fancy dinner. I had eaten a number of meals by myself while traveling, so why couldn’t I do that at home? Of course, when it really sunk in that I was going to be eating at a fine dining establishment alone, I contemplated canceling my reservation a number of times. I felt so self-conscious when I first sat down (and a little sad) and scanned the room and saw couples and groups of people all having dinner together that until the waiter came to my table, I concentrated on my glass of water like it was the most interesting thing I had ever encountered. I’m not sure at what point in the meal I started to feel less self-conscious about being alone, but my self-consciousness did subside. I realized I enjoyed being able to just sit back and observe other diners, the decor of the restaurant, the choice of silverware, and the slight shift in the personalities of waiters when they spoke to different groups of diners. When my food came, I apparently ate so slowly a couple sitting near me noticed and assumed I was some sort of expert on really enjoying a meal! I know that the next time I have a fancy meal solo, I will still feel nervous but it also feels good to know that I enjoyed a meal alone without a book, computer, or phone in front of me, and found myself to be great company.
So, take yourself to that fancy dinner! I’m figuring it out too, and it’s comforting and inspiring to read your words and those of other commenters and see that I am both alone and not alone in this!
Jul 29, 2012 @ 20:59:17
I love that you did that! And I’m so glad to hear that it went well – I’d be nervous, too! But your story is really reassuring – maybe I’ll give it a go after all!
Jul 19, 2012 @ 03:24:27
I have this fear of being an introvert for some reason, probably because I’ve always considered myself to be the opposite…but in recent years, I’ve really come to crave and enjoy alone time. I love walking around in comfortable, oftentimes super skimpy, clothes, singing out loud to an empty apartment, and watching multiple episodes of The Vampire Diaries in a row. Sometimes I even get crabby when my boyfriend comes home and interrupts the little world I’ve created for myself.
That being said, since everyone is so connected these days, do we ever truly have “alone” time? When I’m alone, half the time I’m multitasking and checking Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., and communicating with people that way. Sure, I can be dressed like a slob and no actual words come out of my mouth, but I’m still interacting with the rest of the world. It’s an interesting concept to think about…once again, your writing has jump-started my brain. =]
Jul 19, 2012 @ 13:37:39
I’m in a long-term relationship so I relish the time I get to spend alone! It’s not that I don’t enjoy & love the time spent with my boyfriend but alone time has become so infrequent, almost non-existent. Thus, alone time has become synonymous with zen/meditation time :) I definitely wish I had it more often.
Eating alone at a nice restaurant or going away for the weekend(solo) sounds lovely! Maybe you can start with small steps? Eating alone at a bar > small restaurant > big casual restaurant > nice restaurant or going solo to beach > half day trip > overnight trip > weekend trip? You’re so interesting that I’m sure time with yourself is a wonderful treat!!
Jul 29, 2012 @ 20:52:00
Aw, thank you, Linda! You are so sweet!
Jul 21, 2012 @ 21:37:57
Shoko,
It’s so funny that you wrote about this post this week because it has been a topic on my mind as well. I often think of my time alone but much more this week for some reason. Today while reading Murakamis 1Q84 the title of a chapter I read over was ” Alone but not lonely”. I agree with so much of your thoughts! Many of my friends are in relationships and many have even gotten engaged this summer. I am elated for my friends of course, but also makes me think of alone-ness.
I’m often told that I’m independent and perhaps my friends are right. I like to do many things alone but I realize that there are so many things I WISH I could just enjoy alone; especially going out to movies, travelling, and eating out.
Sometimes I think I’ll enjoy being alone the longer I am alone because enjoying doing things alone is a pretty good skill! Being alone is inevitable sometimes. Other times I wonder if I’ll just get sick of it and just be lonely.
Thanks for sharing again:)
Jul 29, 2012 @ 20:51:36
Lisa, I love “Alone but not lonely.” That’s how I feel most of the time when I’m by myself. Sometimes it can get lonely, though – I’m trying to learn to embrace the solitude :)
Jul 24, 2012 @ 05:23:40
When I was single, I honestly didn’t mind time alone. Though I don’t think I ever went to a nice restaurant or even saw a movie by myself. I suspect I just never thought of it! Nowadays, I cannot remember what alone time is like and absolutely crave it. With three little boys, I often feel like from the moment I wake up till they’re all in bed about 7.30pm, there is just no time to myself. No time to even think, much less do stuff for myself. I guess it’s just a stage of life thing. I love my family and wouldn’t have it any other way, but some alone time now and again keeps me sane.
Ronnie xo