Looking Forward: Giving Thanks.
It was a warm day at the Brooklyn Flea. Shoppers showed their shoulders, and drank watermelon agua frescas on ice; perused beer crates filled with records that smelled of dust and squeezed un-socked feet into vintage shoes several sizes too small. Summer was on its way. It would be my first in New York City.
“I need to find an air conditioner for my room,” I said to my housemate, Maya, who’d accompanied me. “But it needs to be a cheap one,” I added, “because I’m broke.”
Not ten minutes passed before a familiar face materialized in the crowd—a friend of my family’s whose wife was expecting. “I’m clearing space in our apartment for the baby,” he told me after we’d said hello. “Getting rid of tons of stuff. Know anyone who needs an AC?”
Later, on the way home, I remarked that the city’s demand for constant movement—subway stairs, mad dashes for the bus, long walks cross-town—made my body ache. “I wonder if there’s a yoga studio near our apartment?” I asked Maya, casting sideward glances around our desolate, warehouse-ridden block.
A woman passed to our left, holding a stack of papers in her hand. “Coupons for free yoga?”
—
There’s no elegant way to put what I’m about to say.
For much of my life, things have more or less fallen into my lap.
It’s almost embarrassing to admit, though I can certainly claim very little credit for the way things have happened in my life. My friends call it Shoko luck, and it’s something I’ve always been reluctant to acknowledge, for fear of completely jinxing it—whatever it is. It’s happened on a large scale (jobs, travel), and in smaller instances, as well (free yoga in graffiti-bathed Bushwick). “I’m just lucky, I guess,” has forever been my sheepish explanation.
This year, though, things have been different. They’ve been hard. They’ve fallen apart. I’ve had my own (admittedly benign) version of a quarter-life crisis. I’ve experienced anxiety on levels I hadn’t previously known were possible. Nothing’s come easily, or fallen out of the sky, or shown up on my doorstep wrapped in ribbon.
Life feels changed. But not in a bad way.
As I mentioned recently on my blog (and in many instances here), I’ve been experiencing it all, beauty and terror. I’m embracing it and loving it and hating it all at the same time. Writing about all of this on the Equals Record has been terrifying—but ultimately more rewarding than I could ever have anticipated. (By the way, that’s thanks entirely to you, wonderful readers.)
Equally unexpected? The fact that, curiously, mysteriously, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
This—knowing this—makes me lucky. Vastly so.
For that—and many, many other things, too—I give thanks.
Nov 21, 2012 @ 16:16:11
Glad you are taking your ups and downs in stride! There is so much to be thankful for, happiness is the greatest gift! Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Nov 23, 2012 @ 17:32:12
Thank you, Angela! Happiness is absolutely the greatest gift and being AWARE of being happy makes it that much better :) Happy Thanksgiving!
Nov 22, 2012 @ 01:50:10
You know, it’s funny…I, too, have had a fair amount of “luck” in my life, but I am far less acknowledging of it than you are…partially because I feel like I’ve always been in denial. Or I am not grateful for it. Or something. But seriously…this period of life is hard (pretend that last word is in italics). Damn twenties. Even when things fall into your lap, even when everything seems super easy, it’s all still completely turbulent and confusing and outta control. Exhilarating, exhausting, exciting, sure…but a little outta control. It’s all for the best, I guess. Things’ll turn out. Tonight, I’m feeling incredibly grateful for my friends, the existence of Hollywood, wine, and how many possibilities life has to offer if you just frickin’ get yourself out of your apartment and into the world. God, I’m wordy. Happy Thanksgiving, Shoko!
Nov 23, 2012 @ 17:46:53
I love your wordiness, Rachel! :) This is great. I love what you said about possibilities – sometimes having so many is overwhelming, but you have the right attitude. We should be thankful to have so many reasons to get out there and enjoy life. Wise words!
Nov 22, 2012 @ 15:34:37
I’ve just discovered this blog and it’s excellent and well-written. As for this post, I agree that I always feel some level of guilt when things come too easily.
But I like how you said that you have to embrace both good and bad times. I think it’s because struggle makes us feel more real, more human. Success isn’t always validating. Sometimes a desperate struggle, like figuring out who we are and what we want, makes us feel more connected.
Again, this is an excellent blog and happy holidays.
Nov 23, 2012 @ 17:40:11
Thanks, Desmond! So happy you like it. And you’re right, success isn’t necessarily validating. Achieving success – and happiness – after failing, on the other hand, is the best feeling in the world :)
Nov 23, 2012 @ 14:08:22
A lot of people could take a lesson from you in being humble and thankful. I know so many people that get everything handed to them and rub it in your face. I only know you from here and your blog, but you definitely don’t seem like that kind of person. I think you work really hard, regardless of how things come to you.
Nov 23, 2012 @ 18:03:31
Brianna, that’s so nice of you to say – thank you. That really means so much to me. As I mentioned to Angela above, what really makes me feel luckiest – even more so than actual luck – is having the experiences (good and bad) that allow me the perspective to KNOW that I’m lucky, whether I’m loving life at the moment or hating it. (Does that make any sense? :) Anyway, thanks so much – I always appreciate your very thoughtful comments!
Nov 26, 2012 @ 19:26:30
I found this post so fascinating. I’ve always been incredibly envious of people like you describe yourself, where you almost seem to manifest good things around you. It’s really interesting to hear about the positive elements of this NOT happening – I’d be curious to hear you elaborate on why, “curiously, mysteriously” you’re happier than you’ve ever been (maybe in a future post??). I know it’s a common philosophy that struggle makes us stronger, and that much of the good in life comes from the bad, but I often feel those are adages invented to make those for whom things don’t come easily feel better about themselves, like their struggle is for something. Anyways – you’re always so eloquent and thoughtful, so if you genuinely believe the negatives have, in a net sort of way, become a positive, I’d be super interested to hear an exploration of the why of it all. Thanks for the thought catalysts, as always!
Nov 26, 2012 @ 23:28:08
This is life as I’ve come to know it. Being lucky, being unlucky, making your own luck, redefining it. I pinch myself and other time And the important thing is to acknowledge whatever it is all along.
Dec 05, 2012 @ 09:46:29
I’m sorry it’s been a tough year, but you’ve made it through and happily. Isn’t that great? That’s a sign of your resilience and strength.
As for me, this year has been full of so, so much good, for which I thank my lucky stars. But it has also been a year of turbulence – a move out of the country, a different field of human rights, an engagement, etc – and I’m not so good with uncertainty. Sometimes, I think I take all this good for granted. I remind myself to trust the journey.