Looking Forward: Feeling Bad, Feeling Brave.
For a span of several months, I had a Holbrook Jackson quote as the wallpaper on my computer screen. Happiness is a form of courage, it read.
I remember reading this for the first time, years ago, and feeling electrified. I found it so empowering. Every day, we’re confronted with myriad reasons to be angry, bitter, disappointed, discouraged, worried, or frightened. People get sick. Friends move away. Relationships fall apart. We lose jobs, miss trains, trip on the stairs. We say things we don’t mean. Do things we wish we could take back. Take risks that lead us nowhere. To choose to celebrate the good in life in spite of all of this—to focus on the positive when really, it’s the last thing we want to do—is a beautiful thing.
I believe this wholeheartedly. But. I’ve learned a curious thing recently.
A few days ago, I finished telling someone a story by saying, “I was so annoyed, but . . .”
He held up a hand. “Why don’t you just stop at but?” he said. “If you were annoyed, you were annoyed.”
Believe it or not, I really hadn’t ever thought of it that way. I always figured it was the right thing to do to turn the page on a negative situation right away, to try to make things okay as quickly as possible. To focus on feeling unpleasant would be wallowing—and wallowing, I thought, wasn’t productive.
It seems funny to think that I need to get better at feeling bad. I used to think that letting myself get too angry or too sad or too bored or too disappointed meant that I was losing control. I tend to react to negative situations swiftly and efficiently, with statements like, well, on the bright side . . . or there’s really no reason to be upset. But, I’m relieved to find, giving in to feeling upset from time to time doesn’t make me less of a positive person. It makes me . . . a person.
To feel these things is human. Acknowledging them, it turns out, can be a form of courage, too.
Sep 05, 2012 @ 10:55:29
I have the opposite problem =] I am the wallow master! I think it’s all about balance…acknowledging all of the emotions that make us human beings, but not letting any one set of emotions completely take over, because then you’re missing out on all of the other ones.
On a related note, Brain Pickings recently had a really cool post about Anais Nin’s thoughts on “emotional excess”, which I took away as meaning “freely feelings all emotions to their fullest”. My favorite quote from this post was, “You must not fear, hold back, count or be a miser with your thoughts and feelings. It is also true that creation comes from an overflow, so you have to learn to intake, to imbibe, to nourish yourself and not be afraid of fullness.”
http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/09/03/anais-nin-on-emotion-and-writing/
Great post as usual, Shoko!
Sep 07, 2012 @ 10:58:38
I love that! Thank you, Rachel, I’m going to head over and check out that post ASAP.
Sep 05, 2012 @ 11:36:11
Great piece, as usual! I don’t have the same problem, but I can see how it might lead to you eventually feeling nuts for simply feeling… blah. I think sometimes it’s okay to sit with your bad feelings for a little while, so you can really process them. Giving them the chance to stew will (hopefully) help you figure out what to do about a situation, rather than just ignore whatever’s bugging you.
Sep 05, 2012 @ 15:03:56
Great post!! Very interesting .. never thought of it like that … have to give it a little more thought to compute~ =D
Sep 05, 2012 @ 16:49:09
On some level, we couldn’t get through life if we didn’t wallow. It’s not good to wallow all the time, but when things get tough, it’s okay to curl up in bed with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and watch Sex and the City. Then, the next day you get up and start fresh. I work four jobs and two of them are on their way out the door. It’s terrifying. I’m looking for work everyday, but it’s difficult. The unemployment is scary high in Nevada. Building a freelance business is tough, but I am doing it, with tiny steps. Are there days when I don’t want to get up? At least once a week. But I do it anyway.
Sep 07, 2012 @ 11:04:08
That’s totally key, isn’t it? The idea of starting fresh can be daunting but it’s also what makes hard times bearable.
Sep 05, 2012 @ 17:53:19
This is one of your most interesting articles for me. Generally, reading your posts is like reading a well written & revised memoir of my thoughts. This one is an exception (though still beautifully, wonderfully written).
I’m also guilty of dismissing the negative & perhaps it’s because I’m scared of what would happen if I allowed myself to wallow. Would I be able to get out of the funk once I’m knee-deep? Would I be able to close the floodgates once they opened? I don’ t know… but do I want to keep ignorantly bliss? Maybe for now.
Sep 07, 2012 @ 11:10:44
Thank you, Linda! I know what you’re saying. It’s scary, right? I’m hoping to learn to strike a balance between wallowing and expressing myself honestly. I’m not quite there but working toward it… :)
Sep 05, 2012 @ 22:31:09
I read your post this morning and it has really stuck with me throughout my day. Your writing always give me reason to reflect, and I really like this week’s spotlight on this aspect of being a whole person. I have the opposite problem in that I feel things too much and have a tendency to dwell. I don’t think this makes me a less positive person, but I have also found that not everyone is comfortable with the simple acknowledgement of a negative situation that has no solution or a positive follow-up comment. Of course, everything is relative and there are very few things in life that don’t have any silver lining. I think I will always be working on finding a balance with feeling too much as my brother so kindly tells me, but I’ve come to the conclusion that when I’m not honest with my emotions, they inevitably surface in other ways that aren’t always healthy or productive.
Sep 07, 2012 @ 11:16:31
Thanks, Kathy, that’s so lovely to hear. And that last bit of what you said is so true – and it’s why acknowledging unhappiness (along with all the great things, too) can be so courageous.
Sep 07, 2012 @ 01:10:11
A perfect post. Shoko. It is absolutely true that experiencing and acknowledging the bad is part of living, of being human. I learnt this the hard way when we lost Cameron. Throughout the grieving, I got so angry at others who tried to put a ‘positive spin’ on the situation (when there was none) and who tried to ‘cheer me up’ when all I wanted was for people to listen and to be sad with us.
Sometimes, feeling sad is totally the right thing to feel. Sadness is as much a valid part of life as happiness is…
Ronnie xo
Sep 07, 2012 @ 11:21:32
Thank you, Ronnie. You bring up such an important point. “Sometimes, feeling sad is totally the right thing to feel” – couldn’t have said it better myself.
Sep 15, 2012 @ 13:36:43
So great your text! You kind of described me and my feellings, it’s good to see that other people around the world have the courage of trying to see happyness even in the darkest moments.. in my group of friends, I am the one that always says “on the brightside…” or “it could be worse, smile…”, and sometimes when I catch myself not seeing the positive over something, feeling sad and making a comment not so happy, I feel bad and try to see the situation by other perspective, so I can say something to make me and my friends smile…
But the way you put it here, I guess it’s ok to feel down sometimes, it’s part of life, of being human, and, as Ronnie said brilliantly: “Sometimes, feeling sad is totally the right thing to feel”.
Thank you for this message, you write really well, and, just so you know, I live in Brazil and am reading your blog (:
Have a nice day, week, month, year.. or, better, have a great happy life!
Sep 16, 2012 @ 13:33:38
Thank you so much for this, Talita! I’m so happy to have you as a reader. Yes, Ronnie put it perfectly. Hard times are a part of life, and a valuable one at that. I’ve learned in the past few months that there’s something to be gained from every experience, good or bad.
Oct 02, 2012 @ 21:05:49
Thank you so much for your beautiful writing. I have this same problem; sometimes I let it spiral out of control. Thinking something “bad” – feeling bad for thinking something bad – feeling sad because I know I have nothing in my life to really be sad about…etc, etc. You put so eloquently exactly what I need to hear.