Hungry Hungry Humans
Dear Sibyl,
Is it me, or does everyone and their uncle have a food allergy/aversion/snobbish avoidance these days? I’ve found it increasingly difficult to share meals and prepare food for others without objections from gluten-free, only-eat-local-everything, on-a-cleanse, vegan, paleo-diet friends and family members. I used to crave the communal intimacy of a shared meal, but now it seems “what I’m not eating” dominates the conversation (and makes my allergy-free, trying-to-stay-sane self question if I really should be eating that dairy/gluten/egg-rich muffin). Am I being insensitive?
Signed,
Eating the Damn Muffin Already
Dear Eating The Damn Muffin Already,
I wish you were my dinner guest.
Recently, we had a couple we were getting to know over for dinner. I had baked a delicious dessert, since they were bringing the food. The meal was saucy take out, rich in butter and spices. When I brought out the salted caramel cake I had made from scratch, I was shocked that neither one of my guests were willing to try it. They demurred, saying that “Sugar is poison, you know”, and that they are cutting it out of their diet completely.
Stunned, I set my cake back on the stove, and, due to the calls of my toddler, who had been promised a special treat in honor of our guests and had even helped to bake it, I cut the members of my family slices and passed them out, leaving our guests to watch us consume a whole bunch of homemade poison.
Their choice to eat greasy take out and then refuse cake baffled me, but everyone deserves to do whatever they want with their body. Really what bugged me were their terrible manners.
We live in a time of shifting ethics about food. There used to be a cuisine that was considered “American”, that everyone was expected to eat. In an age of growing education about where our food comes from, who benefits from our consumption of it, and how to best feed our bodies, people are making more informed decisions about food than ever.
This is a really positive thing. I would like nothing better than to use only local ingredients, from companies that respect the land and pay their workers a living wage. I want to serve my family healthy food that will help our bodies grow strong. However, I am not willing to give up the common decencies of community to do so. My motto is “People are more important than things.” And that includes my current food philosophy.
So, what to do, if you have been invited over for dinner, and you know your hosts do not eat the same way as you? First of all, ask what’s on the menu, and what you can bring. If you are a strict vegetarian, tell them so ahead of time. If you have no food allergies, but would like to eat a certain way, offer to bring a salad or special gluten-free bread, and make that the focal point of your meal, eating sparingly what your hosts have provided for you.
Sharing food is such an important part of community building. Another vital aspect of community is truth telling. So, if you’re on a diet, say you’re on a damn diet. Don’t couch it in New Age terms, and definitely don’t judge other people’s food choices, especially not in their home.
So, to answer your question, are you being insensitive by not loving all the new diets people are trying? Well, unless you are placing a pig on a spit in front of your vegan friend or inviting your gluten-free buddy over for Bread Fest 2013, nope.
If you find yourself irked by Macrobiotic Mary on your friend list, why not do something with her that is not centered around food? I’m sure you can agree on an indulgent movie to watch together, to make up for the decadence missing in her diet. Just make sure you order exactly what you want at the concession stand, and stand by your choice. But get the small popcorn—she’s not going to share.
Love,
Sibyl
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Feb 08, 2013 @ 12:24:02
““People are more important than things.” And that includes my current food philosophy.”
and,
“Sharing food is such an important part of community building. Another vital aspect of community is truth telling.”
. . . Hear, hear! And thanks. :)
Feb 08, 2013 @ 17:26:41
I completely agree, especially with the “people are more important” bit. It’s amazing that some people can’t just say a simple “no thank you” without the added judgy comments. The other day at the movies I offered some cookies to a friend’s friend who was with us; his response: “I don’t eat that kind of stuff.” I spent the next half hour eating cookies and warding off the shame waves he was sending my way. And geez, even if sugar IS poison, a few appreciative bites of said poison won’t kill you!
Feb 08, 2013 @ 20:19:12
I think that you hit the nail on the head. My husband is a vegetarian and I can’t imagine not telling people when going to there house. I have several friends who have odd dietary issues due to illness and I know that I am more than happy to accommodate when I know, but I have also experienced people who make a production of there dietary differences (regardless of choice or medical issues). These people do not get invited back.
Feb 13, 2013 @ 19:39:12
I JUST went to a dinner party where a hilarious, unreal list of food “allergies” was the main conversing point for half the table. I had to try so hard not to laugh! I mean, stomach pain is not funny… but this was not about pain. It was about feeling special and unique by turning down squash and spinach. Maybe when VH1 does “I love the 2010s” this craze will finally get laughed at publicly!
Feb 14, 2013 @ 13:32:47
yes! i genuinely have to eat gluten-free, but it’s not that big of deal. no, thank you is all you need to say. and we eat so well in my house and community. sometimes people forget, but that’s ok. we’re all human. i love this. truth telling is so important.
i was a little scared that this was going to be a tirade against any of us who do have to eat diferently, but all my fears were relieved in this beautiful piece of writing.
Feb 15, 2013 @ 00:45:16
This was just on my mind today when I wanted to ask a friend over for dinner but changed my mind because I don’t know how to cook for her. Maybe we will take a walk instead (good suggestion).
Feb 21, 2013 @ 19:44:39
Hi Sibyl- Love this article! I recently went out to eat with friends at our local Whole Foods. “You eat from the salad bar? You let your kid eat from it? Well you are still alive..but um…we brought our own food.” Awkward…what do I say to that as I’m piling food on my plate? I am a vegetarian but it was important to my husband that our son eat meat. This was not an easy decision for me but I respected my husbands case and that is that. My friend, also a vegetarian, made some really nervy remarks about it and how healthy her daughter is and she wouldn’t be able to feed her meat. Again….what do I say to that as we eat from the “filthy” salad bar and as my son eagerly eats chicken. You would think that eating OUT, where everybody can make their own decision, would be free of snobby remarks….but I feel like you are never safe these days. I really connected to your story about the cake. It feels awkward to sit around eating your “cake” while others look on and disapprove. :) It is important to let all this go and not carry it around but it is also nice to know others are fed up with the FOOD SNOBS!!!! (I can have this same conversation about parenting philosophy snobs.)